Sunday, June 15, 2014

A 'rear' secret…revealed

Yesterday I was attacked by the fight or flight syndrome. I almost lifted my butt off the seat in an attempt to scoot on my feet when I saw the patroness of elitism do it herself… 

A few years ago, when I was her confidant, she had shared with me her secret of confidence.

This is how she began… “For instance, if you are at an important meeting, the way you sit oozes in oodles of confidence into you.”


Let me take you through the demo… Women don’t forget to climb up on those stilettos. If you are chick-legged like me, wobble in with a colleague, who is physically stronger than you. And, most important, once the meeting is over, remember you are mounted. Don’t jump up. 

Picture Courtesy: MorgueFile

Once in, choose your chair and lower yourself down – diagonally. Yes, of, course, looking at the one in-charge. If you are right-facing, then lift the left knee over your right. And tilt your weight also to the right in such a manner that your left derriere should just fleetingly tease the seat… up in air and yet down there. Balance. If you develop cramps mid-meeting, think of something pleasant and ignore. Changing your diagonals will change the dynamics. Imagine looking away from the honcho? Or, take a warm body wrap or hot water bag…it could also help balance you. But, don’t blame me for any consequence thereafter.

Okay. Next, always remember the side you are off-lifting. Now, raise the arm of the opposite side and rest it on the back rest.

Remember, to look up, [not at the ceiling] at the person in command. Don’t leave his/her eyes. Lock them with yours…


… mine got locked yesterday, with the person who taught me this power position. Only that it was amid the sound of blow dryers and music. At the parlour, I caught her in act! Reading a mag, with one foot on the lap of the staff and her scalp in the hands of another standing behind her, she was lost in the pages, until my eyes locked hers.

Immediately, she tossed the mag on the table beside, jerked into a diagonal pose causing her hairdresser to jerk and blow hot air at her nape, involuntarily letting her assume her customary look – chin up, jaws stiff, boobs thrust.

Only this time, it was funny… with her one leg stretched, one butt raised and one arm sandwiched between the back rest and the tummy folds of the hairdresser.

Do you think she was attempting to garner confidence or stamping her authority or desperately attempting to snip the flight n fight syndrome building up within her?

Secret revealed! 

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

When I nearly peed my pants off

I flushed history yesterday. I downed 11 bottles of water [almost 4 litres]. Unprecedented a feat!
Picture Courtesy: morguefile
Filled cups and glasses and then held bottles to my lips. That’s when I heard my startled insides. Grabbed mineral water bottles and reassuring them with pats I told aloud, “it’s good for you, too, darlings!”

Being a noble woman that I always am, I quickly thought of the departing soul, as well. So bought some bottles of sparkling water. I wanted to give the person a glittering farewell!
But my insides were not as forgiving as me. They had no mercy. They hammered the shit out of the soul, flushing out colourless, dull and pale residue.

Tired of putting the seat down, I stuck a note on the toilet door – ‘Don’t disturb!’

By the end of the day, I was asked by my bemused girl, “loose?”


“But you come out quickly…”

So I took Shantaram for company. We sat closed inside until I was convinced I flushed the person off my system COMPLETLY!!!

In fact, I was more than half-way through Gregory David Roberts’ autobiographical first novel, when I sought him out yesterday night. But comfy on the loo, my eyes refused to move away from his first lines… “It took me a long time and most of the world to learn what I know about love and fate and the choices we make, but the heart of it came to me in an instant, while I was chained to a wall and being tortured…” 

Well, it took ME almost 4 years, 11 bottles of water and I nearly peed my pants off to know that it was MY choice that I allowed some creep to torture me!